Why You Need Boundaries and How to Set Them

Do you struggle with setting boundaries with otherr people? If so, you’re not alone. Most of us know we should have healthy boundaries, so why is it so hard to actually set them? Listen in to learn why you might struggle with setting boundaries, why it’s so key to have them, and how to communicate boundaries with more ease.

1 (6s):
Welcome to spirited straight talk, the podcast to help you thrive with the help of spirit. I’m Deb shepherd, psychic medium spiritual teacher and author. Each week, I bring new insights to help you heal from loss connect with spirit and turn setbacks and to triumphs. So let’s get started. I remember watching a TV show in the morning, like a morning show from New York, and they were talking about the most updated cell phone at the time. And they were wondering about the camera that’s now on the phone. We’re now, you know, we use our cameras that are better than cameras, right?

1 (47s):
And they were concerned. The topic came up of where’s our privacy. And do we, are we going to cross all these boundaries when they’re filming people and we’re being filmed and we don’t know about it. And I remember that being like, wow, what do we do with that? And who’s going to video me and what if this happens? And what we’ve learned through this process is in social media, there really are no boundaries that are respected anymore. And there’s two sides to it. One is things are being captured on film to help with evidence or to show what’s happening in the world. But the other part of it is there’s no privacy. And this comes up to the topic that we’re going to talk about today and that’s boundaries and the importance of them and how hard it is to create our own boundaries or understand them based on how we were raised or our culture, our belief systems, all those things that come into play, that boundaries are now very exploited.

1 (1m 49s):
And the other part of it is are we setting good boundaries for ourselves and for our situations in our life to create the happiness and feeling safe in our life is, is that making sense to you, to who’s with me today is Dana as always, for those of you that may be new to our podcast. This is Dana, my partner, and she coordinates everything. So this wouldn’t be happening if it wasn’t her sitting here and I have good boundaries with this, I don’t touch any of the computer technology because I will mess it up. I think when I started realizing this topic of boundaries, it’s such a incumbency, it’s such a large thing to really discuss part of it, I believe is thinking about our childhood and what we were taught by are the adults in our lives.

1 (2m 37s):
So I want to talk a little bit about that, but then go back into how do we then set boundaries in our personal life that we really truly need? And if we don’t what can happen in our lives

2 (2m 50s):
And spiritual boundaries too. I know you’re going to talk about this. Sure. Because you talk about it a lot is how you actually set boundaries with the spiritual world. And I think that that was a big deal for you too.

1 (3m 3s):
So to talk about the boundaries, when people find out that I’m a psychic and a medium, you can see their faces change is going, can you read my mind? Do you know what’s going on? I’m like, no, I’m really clear. And I didn’t, like you said, in the beginning, it was just all over the place. And that wasn’t good for me. I’m an empath. And if you’re an empath, you don’t want to feel everybody else’s things. And some people say, oh, put that white light around you. To me, the white light is saying that you’re a victim and you’re not in your power and you don’t have clear boundaries and you don’t have the ability to tell people to step away or whatever you need at that moment. But for me, I’ve learned over the years is I turn it on and off. And I don’t want to be in a situation where it’s always on and I’m getting things that is not appropriate because if someone is coming to me in a business situation, then I have permission to read for them.

1 (3m 56s):
But if they’re just someone I’m socializing with or out in a crowd with, I have no, right, in my opinion, in my ethics to just give them a reading, but we do have a recent story. And even said that when we were in Monterrey,

2 (4m 9s):
They want to go there. But I also want me to talk about, because I know the story. So I’m going to bring it up. How you use set boundaries with the spirit, that the other side,

1 (4m 21s):

2 (4m 21s):
Where you basically said, I need to turn this off. It’s driving me crazy. I always heard people coming through and I need to figure out a way to manage it.

1 (4m 33s):
Absolutely. So I’ve been doing this for it for a little over two decades and there wasn’t any information there, there was no Google. I went to the library and read books and realized these abilities. But I had a friend that was a psychic and she, I think she was in her late seventies at the time. I’m sure she’s not with us anymore. Laverne was her name. And I remember just getting downloaded and downloaded and downloaded where I couldn’t sleep and just difficulty functioning. And so I reached out to her and I said, you know, Laverne, what do I do with this? And she says, well, what time was your appointment? And I said, well, I think it’s five o’clock. And she goes, well, tell them to leave you alone until five o’clock.

1 (5m 14s):
And I thought really that simple. And I did. And then that’s when you, I heard the grasshoppers and I thought maybe I can

2 (5m 22s):

1 (5m 22s):
Crickets. That’s it. Thank you. Thank God you’re here. I heard the crickets. I could see a little green bud in my head. They’re black. Okay. Whatever the color they are. So with that said is, yeah, you can talk to dead people, but I don’t, I don’t know my insects, my bugs, but I did that. And I heard the crickets and I thought, oh my goodness. I think I turned off these abilities. I have these people coming at five o’clock. What do I do? And my first response to that inside my head was well that I just won’t charge them five done that. Then that’s, I’ll figure it out this later on. And when I sit down with the clients and shifted that energy, I immediately started feeling their loved ones.

1 (6m 4s):
Come through. That’s the moment I realized that I can have boundaries and I don’t have to be bombarded by all that energy. And it’s also, my guides have also established boundaries as me. People think that if you do this work, you know, all the answers, but bottom line is, if you can only tell people what you’re getting. And so our big joke about this is when people are pregnant, they want to know the sex of the child. I’m 99% wrong. And I think it’s the boundaries that they set is just because I ask or want to know, or someone wants to know that information. Maybe it’s not the right. It’s not for me to give. And that’s when I don’t get anything about something, a situation or question, I hear the cry for the grass offers, whichever one’s to show showing up.

1 (6m 49s):
And I think that’s what there’s a misconception about. This work is realizing that there are certain things that we don’t get for certain reasons. And so it’s just not, you don’t look at a ball and get all the answers you, there is a process to it. And that also goes into our personal lives about having those boundaries. One of the things I was thinking about is, well, I actually wrote down 10 reasons why we probably don’t have good boundaries, but there’s so much more than that. So we’ll kind of go into other things as well. But when we are told by parents about sharing a room with your siblings and you know, how many kids will have issues with sharing their bedroom, do you divide a line?

1 (7m 33s):
Things like that. And then you’re told, well, this is your baby sister. So you need to be more patient. You know, you’re, it’s really, sometimes I think there are, and I didn’t have to do that. So I was pretty fortunate, but I know a lot of people had to share rooms. And that probably is the beginning stage of where those boundaries set. If the sibling didn’t have boundaries, took your things and that child did not have to be disciplined or have to make those changes. I think that’s a big part of it. I think number two, it’s also did you have to share all your toys? Now, these things seem really simple. Like, did you have to share your clothes and toys? But part of it is that we’re ingrained very early on. If you have a special toy or a clothing piece that you just loved, you’re forced to share it because you don’t want to be selfish.

1 (8m 16s):
And all of a sudden you can’t say no because your family and the adults in your life said, you have to share, you have to share the other thing

2 (8m 25s):
Sharing is

1 (8m 26s):

2 (8m 27s):
And I remember because my son wasn’t in the chart. So I remember he was most of the time on his own. He didn’t have to share anything. Peasants came over and they would always say he doesn’t share very good, but there were three of them and one of him. And so I didn’t really teach him that he had to give his choice to somebody else and watch them play with them.

1 (8m 51s):
And he actually has good boundaries though. He does. So saying you don’t have do this, but I think we’re, there’s pressure of thinking that you have to share because that’s a good thing. Otherwise, you’re a selfish person. And I, I think there’s nothing wrong with sharing and teaching your child to share. But is there also a voice with this child saying, I don’t want to share this, but I’ll share these other toys or I’ll share these other things. So, and again, these are things that we don’t really think are serious, but as we add these other things to it, it starts making sense. Well, you’re being selfish that you’re not sharing for, versus why can’t you share this and asking those questions. I think giving hugs to family members or friends that the kid thinks that person’s creepy.

1 (9m 34s):
You know, we’re saying, no, be nice to grandpa, give them a hug. And you’re going this kid’s thinking grandpa gives me the weird feelings I don’t want to, but that child is forced to do that, to be nice and take away their boundaries. So with our grandkids, when they are going to bed or whatever, they don’t want to give us a hug. We don’t force it. It’s like, because like I, because I am Cree, I am creepy and they know it. But I think that there is that belief system is, will grandpa deserves this, but did grandpa earn it? Or does the kid not feel right? You’re telling the child not to listen to their intuition. And that’s what this is about too. You’re told at a very early age, even though you feel that way, ignore it, ignore it.

1 (10m 16s):
And so that’s, some of the other things are through told lot, to be honest and to say what you need to say. So it’s like, you can’t tell them the truth. You have to lie to somebody like, oh yeah, this is really great versus you don’t want to be there. You don’t want to go with them. I remember my daughter, our next door neighbor, that was a little bit odd. And she wanted to take my daughter in a wagon around the block and my daughter didn’t want to go. And just randomly. Yeah, but she had a couple of kids too. But at the same time, my daughter was just like, no, I know there’s a certain ages that kids know now. And I, I, I think she eventually went, but I was just like, no, you don’t have to go do that.

1 (10m 58s):
But we were told you have to make the adults happy because if you make the adults happy, you’ll get rewarded. Even though you’re going against your own intuition, your own feeling. You’re told sometimes if you’re in a situation that you’re responsible for your siblings, other people are first. It’s even where as a child, you’re taking care of a parent and you’re told you have to do these things instead of realizing that what about your needs at the same time? So if you’re exhausted or tired or you feel like I don’t want to do this anymore, you were told as a child, you have to do it. No matter what, again, this is that fine line about helping and supporting your family versus always being forced and ignoring your needs.

1 (11m 42s):
I love the one that eat everything on your plate. Number eight. Okay. Yeah, you’re eating. I remember my parents were not even middle-class, but the food on the table was they worked hard to put it on the table. And as a kid, your textures and your tastes and things are not as developed and being told you have to eat it or think about the children that are not they’re starving. You have to eat it. Definitely. That was a big one. Chicken and dumplings. It was the doublings that the texture of it. And I’ve heard these stories where kids have to sit there for hours and so finish their plate. Yeah. Yeah. And to me, I think that child would rather not eat and go to their room.

1 (12m 24s):
And then we wonder why we’re forced to eat things that we don’t like are forced to step down or our voices or to stuff down our emotions, because we’re told to do it. Whether you like it or not. Absolutely. Yeah. I’ve always loved the one. Cause if you’re an empath and you were a sensitive child, I cried a lot and was told many times you’re just so sensitive. It was wrong to have those emotions. I still cry. Like, yeah, that’s right. You get to see it. And you get to know what I call the insects something wrong, but they will say, I’ll give you something to cry about. So it would be more punishment if you had an emotion that made you feel sad. So let’s say any of these things that came up that you didn’t want to hug the uncle or the grandpa or whoever it was, and you started crying, then you are getting in trouble on top of it because you were crying for having an emotion.

1 (13m 16s):
So again, we’re pushing all these things down and believing that the adults in our lives are correct and how we feel is wrong. And so we have no voice about boundaries with that. And again, there’s a balance. The chaplain we have written here. And I think a lot of people I know in my generation know the saying about children should be seen and not heard. So not having a voice as a child show that your value and what you felt and what you needed to say was not important. And that’s where we take all of that belief system that is lemonade to a place today where we don’t know how to have boundaries.

1 (13m 56s):
And we still believe that we have to take care of everybody else. We have to be responsible for those that can’t take care of themselves or won’t take care of themselves. We feel an obligation. And that’s when we create those codependency relationships to where we let go of all of our emotions, feelings, and needs to take care of somebody else. And then we have the regret being to get angry and frustrated and low self-esteem. And our value just goes down into the toilet basically. And it really takes a lot like we’ve talked about how you were raised and what’s important to know is ignored.

1 (14m 36s):
Yes. It’s also not the definition of who you are today. So those experiences that you, the audience, as well as us have had, doesn’t have to be something you continue with in this time period in your life that you can make those changes. We just had a recent story. And if you want to tell it, you can, but I teach this and I still struggled with my value and having some boundaries in a situation when you wanted to help him, like, oh no, I don’t want to be difficult. I don’t want to be a challenge. What will people think?

2 (15m 11s):
What you told me was,

1 (15m 14s):
Well, let’s start in the beginning of the story,

2 (15m 16s):
Your, your voice said, I’m telling you not to call them my mindset. Okay.

1 (15m 25s):
Do you want to start at the beginning of this story? Go ahead. I think you’ll tell it better.

2 (15m 31s):
We went, we stayed in the Airbnb. It’s a big, big place, but we had a whole apartment area with a full kitchen and a really nice little area. And there was some young kiddos upstairs, maybe tweens that age. And they were maybe having a Pogo stick up there or jumping

1 (15m 58s):
Running of the bulls

2 (15m 59s):
Doing a week, you know, something. Yeah. And it was really super loud. And in the area we were in and the day one, I said, we need to call the people who were renting the Airbnb. Let me call them real quick. Or let me text them. Adept shepherd said,

1 (16m 18s):
No, let’s not, let’s not rock the boat. Let’s not make things worse. And we can deal with this. I don’t be complainer.

2 (16m 27s):
It’s going to stop, but I’m so mad, but it’s probably going to stop

1 (16m 31s):
Because I was looking for peace and quiet. And several days later, it continued and continued until near the end of our trip. I went up to the family and took some food that we had. That was some of my favorite things, right. Peaches, sourdough bread, which I loved and thought that would help an opening. And I’m like here, you know, we’re getting ready to leave. I want to, you know, if you guys would like to have some of the stuff and all for the family resort in the garage, so I didn’t even have to go to the front door. And I said, this is our last day. I really would appreciate if you guys could be quiet.

1 (17m 12s):
And I said, it sounds like the running of the bulls and the mom goes, oh, really? And the girls just stared at me, like I was so, yeah. And then the dad just had his face on the phone looking down and no one really commented or apologized or anything like that. I felt really good. Like, okay, I finally use my voice because I don’t like confrontations. I don’t like,

2 (17m 33s):
You wouldn’t let me fill it. But then you’re the one who went up. But you used your voice.

1 (17m 37s):
Yeah. And probably if Dana would’ve said it, it would have turned out very differently because I’m the person like, oh, let’s just make this easier for everybody, you know? And, and

2 (17m 47s):
You can say it you’re kinder than not much more to

1 (17m 50s):
Rank your direct. Yeah. So, Hey, I’m a, I’m a BA put honey on everything, right? So we go downstairs, I think, oh, Dana, I think this is, I think this is gonna work. You know, they were all there. And well, guess what? It got louder and worse. We were in the hot tub and which has a cover, but these girls were leaning over they’re dragging furniture over the deck to see us dragging the patio furniture all over the deck, making more noise, stomping, stomping, stomping, it got worse. And I became, yeah, I got emotional and I, you could get a good workout.

2 (18m 27s):
It was so bad that you were going to go to a hotel. Yep. That’s how that,

1 (18m 31s):
Yeah. And beautiful place and beautiful people that own it and all that kind of stuff. And of course they took care of it right away. Stopped. Dana did Dana with that said, I told Dana, I said, I should have let you do this earlier. I should’ve had the boundaries. We are worthy of having quiet and all these things. And Dana goes, well, I bet this will be a teaching story later on. And I have been teaching it because it’s, even though I understand boundaries and we still have to reminded that it’s okay to have those boundaries. I remember when we went on a cruise before the pandemic and it was people stuffing themselves into the 22 elevators, remember

2 (19m 21s):

1 (19m 21s):
Breathe. You can breathe. And it was those kinds of boundaries again, where people are just pushing themselves and not thinking is, can I wait for the next elevator to come down so, or up or whatever that’s the situation is. But really we see it all the time and not realize how much it’s in our life. But it is I think a lot to do with our culture, what we’re taught as children, what we, soon as we don’t feel like we have the right to, or don’t deserve this. And it’s, it’s something that I think it affects so many different things in our lives. And I want to go to the other side of it, where people have put boundaries with us and that’s been really hard, but I want to always respect when people put boundaries, I don’t have to agree with why they put them.

1 (20m 9s):
So if you’re a person that has other people putting boundaries on you, it took probably a lot of energy for them to do that. It doesn’t mean you have to agree. You can be sad. You can feel like, okay, how do I shift this? But I think it’s learning how to have that voice. So for instance, in our trip, you were open to saying, we need to have this and I wasn’t willing. So at that moment, I should have gone back as I do deserve this. And it’s important, or how angry am I? And I did get angry. How angry in the situation that you keep going to, that someone doesn’t have the boundaries. I’ve heard this with people in offices where someone will come in and take a lot of time and dump on them and not realize that that’s a boundary because you’re getting paid to work.

1 (21m 1s):
And this person is coming into your office, feeling comfortable. How do you even begin to say things to say, I really have to get this project done or saying I have five or 10 minutes. That’s all I have. And I think it’s wording it so that you’re not offending somebody, but you’re letting them know how you feel. Because when we look at boundaries, it, people will KIPP keep, continue to take advantage of you. If you can’t say no. And that’s the hardest thing in the beginning of doing this work, I would have people want to go out and go, can I take you to lunch? Or can I take you to coffee? And then of course they wanted to have a reading.

2 (21m 39s):
You can’t, you just do this for me. It’s easy.

1 (21m 41s):
It’s easy for you. Yeah. And I, my friends that are in my life now don’t do that. And as I say, I’ll, I’m okay with you asking, most of them will book appointments, or they understand the boundaries of my relationship with them. But in the beginning, it’s in the beginning, I had to start saying to them, I’m not reading today. Or this is my day off or in like, what you say is just make an appointment with her. But it was hard in the beginning because I wanted to make help people. I’m one of them to feel better. I want him to know that. Yeah. I’m not taking advantage of them. I don’t, I don’t have to charge every single time, but yes, I can.

1 (22m 21s):
I don’t have to be of service every single time with anyone that just needs. No, I hit shouldn’t

2 (22m 27s):
You give that

1 (22m 28s):
Away. And people think can’t you do it for free. It’s creating that balance. And if you’re an individual in a marriage or relationship or in a job, and you feel like you’re being abused, you’re the one that has to have a voice to say, this is really affecting me. Can you help me find a solution? Can you, how can we change this?

2 (22m 49s):
Because it is really, truly a possible without the boundaries.

1 (22m 55s):
And I think I see relationships, whether it’s your work, your kids, your partner, your family, who, whatever it is, if you don’t create those boundaries, we just walk away upset. When was it fair to the person that crossed them that you didn’t tell them what you needed? And I think a lot of us that are sensitive are good at having boundaries. And so, and we also don’t say no. And so people continue to walk over you because you haven’t set it up. So don’t assume they know what to do.

2 (23m 24s):
So what happens when you tell somebody that this really is kind of crossing a boundary for, like, I really don’t want to do it this way or whatever the case is. And their response is, well, I didn’t know. I was crossing your unforeseen boundary. What do you do in a case like that? Like how do you handle that? You’re so good at giving people advice. And I know our listeners are probably like, yeah, I try, but they don’t listen. Right.

1 (23m 51s):
I think part of it is that type of person is never going to really get it as we could say, but saying, well, I’m sorry that I was more clear. So take that a responsibility because they’re just going to argue with you and you may want to say, well, what’s best for me right now is this, I hope you can honor and respect it, but this can change. And if you have, and let me know. Yeah, because they’re, they’re gonna defend themselves because of their behavior. Most people that cross boundaries and keep taking advantage and know what they’re doing, they’re just, they’re just trying to get with the can’t get, get what they can for free. And if you’re that willing person all the time, that will continue.

1 (24m 32s):
We were at a place the other day, checking out hot tubs. Remember just seeing what’s out there. And if we’re interested and things like that. And he started telling us stories about how people would come in and take advantage and use their hot tubs. But weren’t really interested in buying or researching anything like that. People will try to push the edge of the envelope if they can, if you keep attracting these people, that means you have not been clear on your boundaries. So you are the center of that. You keep, if you keep bringing people in that take advantage of everyone at work, dumps on you, if your family and friends always expect you to show up and be the leader and take care of things, that means that everyone else is just saying, oh, he or she will do it instead of saying, no, I can’t.

1 (25m 20s):
And you can also, I tell people, some of the things is, oh, I would love to help you. I’ve got some things going on. So I’m going to put this in the calendar two weeks from now that we can get together and take care of it. By that time that person has already had another resolution. They found someone else to help them out. So if you don’t feel comfortable saying no, then let them know you will help them. But it’s way down the road.

2 (25m 43s):
And I understand handling it with kid gloves like that, but I’m assuming people have problems setting boundaries. If they have to go that direction with it, if it’s easier. Great. But I haven’t just get rid of that guilt.

1 (25m 57s):
I don’t, I don’t think it’s going to be easy in the beginning because you’re not practicing it. So if you’ve been for years giving and then getting upset that guilt is going to show up because you probably have been raised to believe it’s better to give than receive. As it’s taking care of others, you’re very blessed. So the guilt will eventually subside because you’re realizing your life is better and that person or individuals or situations will continue until you stop it. It’s it’s like telling a child or someone. No, no, no, no, no, no. And still letting them have what they wanted because you just, they broke you down. And what’s interesting when you, for people that feel guilty, say, no, the person that’s asking doesn’t feel bad that they keep asking.

1 (26m 45s):
And that should tell you about that individual, but they will find another source. The guilt, I think is part of just the healing. And when I know with you and I, when we’ve changed these boundaries in our lives, what has happened is what we feel relieved that we set them.

2 (27m 2s):
And sometimes those people leave your life because they can’t get what they want from you.

1 (27m 6s):
Which means that they only wanted you for that reason. Yeah. And so sometimes we do keep relationship ships in our lives, by doing everything we can to help them what I call the prostitute, right? Because we don’t want to be abandoned. And if people say no, they believe that they may be abandoned somebody else. And so they feel guilty for that.

2 (27m 27s):
If you have the contract of abandonment, that’s a big

1 (27m 29s):
One. So if you don’t like being abandoned and then you feel like you’re abandoning them, remember you’re not the only powerful person in their life. It’s, it’s what I explained in my classes is if your child’s in school and they’re doing someone else’s homework all the time, cause that student doesn’t want to do it. And your, your child doesn’t do theirs. There’s no win-win. So every time you do someone else’s work, you’re not getting your things done and you’re not getting your life in order. You’re you’re so distracted. You’re, I’m so busy with what other people’s things. And so the guilt comes from eventually saying, I don’t want to live like this anymore. And it gives you the opportunity to attract people in your life that are more like-minded.

1 (28m 10s):
They have boundaries as well. They don’t want to dump on you. They want to take their, their portion. And that’s what we attract attracted is those kinds of friendships that say, here I am for you because you’re here for me. And there’s that give and take in the relationship. And it’s so much easier because I want to be with those people. I want to be in that energy.

2 (28m 34s):
And I think once you realize the relationships you want to attract you weed out the ones that are not aligning with you quicker.

1 (28m 45s):
Yeah. I was going back to that guilt thing. I think you’re correct on trying to create boundaries has a lot to do with guilt. And the guilt is a low vibration. So if you want to change your life and create abundance, great relationships, better health, you want to connect with your guides. That is going to be critical because otherwise you’re overwhelmed with other people’s energy, especially the impasse out there versus being aligned and having that clear energy that you’re supposed to have. But I think the big thing right now to wrap this up is look at what you were taught as a child. Look at your experiences with the relationships. How many times have you said you’re exhausted?

1 (29m 25s):
Where are you on the list? Do you believe that you deserve the massage or the day off or the pedicure? Or do you feel like you give the reason? Well, I’ve done all these things. So I now deserve that versus you don’t deserve it. You just, you get to have, because you, you need it. You want it instead of saying, well, I did all these things. Now I get to take care of me. If you start teaching other people that, to take care of yourself first, that can change other people. And like we’ve talked about on the airplane, right? If hopefully the plane’s not going down, but they tell you, put your mask on first, before you put on someone else’s mask. And what we do is we take care of everybody else while we’re struggling to survive.

1 (30m 7s):
Does that make sense?

2 (30m 8s):
Well, I was just going to ask, so what do you think the top three things you should do when you’re starting to set boundaries?

1 (30m 15s):
I think the first thing is to either journal or think about it, talk with a friend that you feel safe with about a certain situation that keeps coming up where boundaries are being crossed, but start with just maybe a couple of them that, you know, you really feel like it’s important to do this with and think of the scenario. So when that person walks into the office, that Lowe’s say there for 35 minutes, when they’re all talking about themselves and you just really want to get to work just when they come and go, it’s great to see you. Hey, I’ve got 10 minutes, you know, start with even doing that. And when the Timmins go, oh, I have to let you go because I have to get this thing done. So you’re giving yourself permission to limit the time that you’re with them.

1 (30m 59s):
What will happen eventually is that they know that in time, you don’t have a lot of time for that. So they’ll stop coming to your place or they’re realize that will just be a quick, hello. It won’t be dumping. If it’s a family member that keeps asking you for things, maybe perhaps in the beginning, if you don’t feel safe saying no, say, yeah, I can help you on the third week of this month. But until then, I’ve got some things to do this before this, you know, it’s making those excuses in a sense that they’re really true and positive. You’re not lying that you can be there, but this is the situation I can give you time. But only this amount and over time it becomes easier.

1 (31m 39s):
So for those people that don’t just get it, you may have to be a little bit more stern and just saying, listen, this isn’t working for me. This is how I’m feeling with this to make those clear boundaries. And perhaps you may hurt people’s feelings, but maybe they need to know that they’re crossing people’s boundaries and you’re allowing them to, would that be, make some sense? You’re better at it than I am though.

2 (32m 4s):

1 (32m 4s):

2 (32m 6s):
Oh, I say, no.

1 (32m 8s):
You’re just like, no, I can’t do this. And that’s thank

2 (32m 12s):
You for

1 (32m 13s):

2 (32m 14s):
Thank you for offering.

1 (32m 16s):
That’s the one we should talk about when people give unsolicited advice to me is a boundary, a big boundary. So for instance, I give advice because people pay me or, you know, it’s that situation. But when people give me unsolicited advice, geez, you want to take me off. And what I’ve learned in situations, especially when there’s crowds of people and someone comes up and tells me what I should be doing or what I need to do instead of confronting them or making them, telling them what I really think. I just say, thanks for sharing.

2 (32m 48s):
And you turn around,

1 (32m 50s):
Turn around. I remember my mother-in-law bless her heart. There were times that I would say, oh, thank you for sharing. And finally, one day she goes, does that mean you don’t want to hear it? I go, exactly. Because I think it was political or something. It’s where you can say things in that last moment of thank you for sharing. But that advice doesn’t really resonate with me. Or I’m not in a place to hear advice. And yes,

2 (33m 15s):
People always want to make, they say terrible things around.

1 (33m 19s):
This is a good example. Yeah. Someone’s child’s past they go, oh, they’re with God. Oh, your, your loved ones in a better place or God miss a needed them, whatever it is or you’ve been grieving, you know, for two years, don’t you think it’s time to move on. Those are the people that can really be hurtful in someone’s healing process. When you are going to have that kind of situation. Think of something that you can say back to that person, it might mean you need to educate them. Just go, you know, I I’m appreciate your, your thoughts. However, that’s, doesn’t help me. That’s actually more hurtful because people are too

2 (33m 59s):
Terribly. I would say if my strong boundaries, you think that’s helpful. Yeah.

1 (34m 6s):
And that’s what you said. The best thing you can do for creating boundaries is think about a situation before it happens and have your response in hand and begin practicing that. That is your go-to. So it makes it much more simplistic. And you have a tool in your tool bag and to continue learning these techniques, go to the website or Amazon and buy my book grieving to believing. There are a lot of tips and advice to give you, especially if you have a loss of a loved one to learn how to respond to others, that don’t understand your grief. Again, the book is called grieving to believing. I think it really is helpful for people to have something like this in their hands and be able to practice their boundaries.

1 (34m 52s):
So thank you again for joining us. And as I always say, even though they’re on the other side, they’re always by our side. Thank you. Thank you for listening to today’s episode. I hope it inspired you. If you enjoyed our conversation, make sure you subscribe so that you get notified of new episodes and let’s get connected. Visit Deb shepherd.com for more insights, support workshops, and a book, a session with me. And finally, always remember your loved ones in spirit, or just a thought away, even though they’re on the other side, they’re always by your side.

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