Grieving to Believing: Fighting for the Underdog

1 (6s):
Welcome to Spirited Straight Talk, the podcast to help you thrive with the help of spirit. I’m Deb Shepard, psychic, medium, spiritual teacher and author. Each week I bring new insights to help you heal from loss, connect with spirit, and turned setbacks into triumphs. So let’s get started. I’m so excited to talk today about my new YouTube show, Grieving To Believing. This is my first episode and I wanted to share it with you here on Spirited Straight Talk. But there are three episodes already posted for you to watch and I will be putting a new one up each week. This show could not have been accomplished without the help of course of Dana, Elizabeth, and Emily and everyone working behind the scenes.

1 (52s):
I wanna thank them all for participation. My mission is to bring parents peace. I’m honored these parents are willing to share their stories of loss and healing for our audience. Please bring out the tissue for sure. My intention and hope is that others will hear these stories and find their own path to healing. Make sure to subscribe on YouTube and share with your family and friends

0 (1m 20s):
Down forever after.

1 (1m 24s):
Hello and welcome to Grieving to Believing. I’m Deb Shepherd. There is no greater loss than that of a child, no matter what age. My mission is to help parents heal, find peace, and be inspired that their angels in heaven are still giving them messages of love. Besides knowing that a parent, a mother or father will be here today, I have no idea who I’m gonna be speaking to. So let’s dive in and see where this journey takes us. So Sarah, you’re way too young to have lost a child, but I’m getting here that you have been through the ringer is the first thing I get. You have been through a lot. Does that make sense? They’re telling me that you have had a lot of pain in your life, that people see you as a smiling, beautiful woman, but they don’t know what you’ve been through, and that you constantly are trying to show people this positive side, but they don’t know how much your heart breaks.

1 (2m 21s):
I see all the time. Or when you wake up or you’re just feeling this overwhelming feeling and they’re saying to me that you have been asking your child for a while to give you some signs that they’re okay. Yes. So that you can move on and for you not to hold the guilt that you’ve been carry. Does that make sense? Yes. Not that it’s your fault, but as a parent, our job is to protect our children to make sure that they’re safe, to make sure that they can live a long life and that they bury us. So I’m getting here that you have just felt like you did everything you could in your mind to be that really great mom. Okay?

2 (3m 1s):
Did you

1 (3m 2s):
Tell me the name of your child?

2 (3m 5s):
Caden Caden Ryan.

1 (3m 7s):
Okay. That’s my son’s middle name. Okay. And you have a lot of other people who passed here. You have a grandmother that’s passed. Is that true?

2 (3m 19s):
There’s, Well, I’m not close on my father’s side, so that’s possible.

1 (3m 23s):
Okay. And it doesn’t mean you have to know them, they’re just showing up for some reason. And I’m seeing lots of pets in your life. So is there lot of animals and you’re

2 (3m 31s):
Like, I was asking for them to come through as well. Okay. So

1 (3m 34s):
They’re here, they’re showing me like you’re the, you’re, you’re like, No is arb, just come in and I’ll take care of you Out of this art. And I feel like you just have nothing but a great heart and soul that you will help any stranger that you don’t even know. And so how could this happen? I’m also being shown from Caden is that why would this happen? I feel like your faith or what you believe has really changed since his death. Yeah. It’s like you’re trying to refocus on what does this mean? Why is this happening? Why would I be going through this? Yes. And I really believe that there isn’t, I don’t believe in the negative karma.

1 (4m 15s):
So you’re not being punished. So whatever’s happened in the past has nothing to do with this. I also feel like people are not as kind to you regarding cadence passing. Have you had a lot of judgment around this too? Or people like not educated and understanding a loss of a child?

2 (4m 34s):
There has been, yeah. There’s been some blame for sure.

1 (4m 40s):
And what Caden is saying, he’s got his arms crossed. He’s like, This is a bunch of bs,

2 (4m 45s):
Is what he’s saying to me.

1 (4m 48s):
He’s acting like people are ignorant and I can’t believe this is happening to you. He says that sometimes you feel like an island that you’re dealing with all of this by yourself. He says that you are starting to reach out, you’re trying to find a community. But it’s been really hard because first of all, you’re just way too young.

2 (5m 9s):
Thank you.

1 (5m 12s):
I wanna know that cream that you’re using. So was when he passed, cuz I’m feeling very young.

2 (5m 17s):
Caden was 13.

1 (5m 19s):
Yep. Okay. I was getting this. Is this also unexpected?

2 (5m 26s):
Yes. Okay.

1 (5m 28s):
Well, feels like he wasn’t sick before this. Like he didn’t, he didn’t have leukemia or something like that. And he says that he’s laughing. He goes, Yeah mom, I was special for you Telling me that you were really protective of him. You were overly protective of him and that you were always worried that he was, you were always worried that he would be safe. And I know that’s apparent thing, but for some reason I feel like you were really concerned about Hayden, or excuse me, Caden, being safe. He keeps saying that this was your first thing. He’s also saying that there’s two sides.

1 (6m 8s):
Like he had this outside that he was really strong, but inside there was this soft mushy kid, You know this, I’m getting this marshmallow inside. And on the outside I get that he tried to be this strong kid even though it didn’t always appear this way. Was he small for his age too?

2 (6m 30s):
He’s a tiny little guy’s.

1 (6m 32s):
Like, like are you nine or 10? And he goes, I’m 13. So I kinda get the feeling of I’m the, I’m a double digit, I’m a 13 year old and these things, I, I, I’m not sure if he was bullied, but I certainly feel like he didn’t always have the support he could have had from his peers. And so in my opinion is even though he was this tiny stature, he was very powerful in his own, like you saw that in him. But I feel like the world kept beating him up on some level. And he says that no, like people didn’t realize what he had been through in a kid. And he’s telling me around the age of 10, was there something significant that happened around the age of 10 or was there a big change at the age of 10?

2 (7m 21s):
He, he started to change around 10.

1 (7m 25s):
Okay. Cuz he just feels like I, I just feel like he’s, he’s climbing Mount Everest. Yeah. Like always trying to get up and he’s just working so hard and trying to get there. And he’s a smart dude.

2 (7m 39s):
So smart.

1 (7m 40s):
He’s so smart. Very kind. He says, Mom, I could have been a millionaire.

2 (7m 47s):
I wish.

1 (7m 48s):
Yeah. And just this feeling of taking on life. Like I feel like when he was outside of his peers and he was in nature and when he was feeling safe, this was an expressive storytelling child. Like he have a great imagination. He could, you know, he reminds me of a kid that I can make up. Like he could have been an Pixar storyteller.

2 (8m 12s):
Yes. Yes.

1 (8m 13s):
And he could have told stories and he says he had that kind of mind an ability. But he says that I keep getting peer pressure, I keep getting peer pressure through this. And he says that, Okay, I don’t think Caden swore, but he says sometimes people are assholes. Mom.

2 (8m 33s):
I think he did swear, but yes, he’s right.

1 (8m 35s):
I’m trying to be, I’m trying to be a good child. He also says that he would help the underdog. Like he would stand up for someone that didn’t have a voice. So even though he didn’t always have a voice for himself, I feel like sometimes he played the wallflower so that he wouldn’t get what I’m feeling is bullied. Yeah. Like he didn’t want people, like, they were just cruel people. Has he only has he been, not gone long,

2 (9m 6s):
Five years, but

1 (9m 7s):
Yeah, that’s what I was getting. Five.

2 (9m 11s):
It feels like a long time.

1 (9m 12s):
He goes right now I could be voting.

2 (9m 16s):
I know. Yes.

1 (9m 19s):
So he’s just, he, the, the feeling I get for him is unexpected. He was his own little warrior. Like I feel like he’s this. Okay, do you remember over story? But in Christmas they tell the story about tiny Tim.

2 (9m 36s):
Yeah.

1 (9m 37s):
And I feel like he’s that person. Like he has this positive energy, he has this great outlook, but he didn’t look like everybody else.

2 (9m 45s):
Yeah.

1 (9m 46s):
And so I feel like he’s telling you that you made the best choices for him possible. So don’t have any regrets that you should have done something differently. That you should have homeschooled him or you should have changed his schools. Or you should have, should have, should have, should have, should have, could have. He says, this wasn’t my time. This wasn’t how I was supposed to go. But don’t have any regrets because you did what you could do as a mom. I’m seeing dad on the outside. Is dad not in his life or had a harder time?

2 (10m 20s):
His biological dad is not in his life.

1 (10m 22s):
Okay. And he says he’s laughing. He goes and that was a good thing.

2 (10m 27s):
Very much so. Yes.

1 (10m 29s):
So he says that he’s glad that you brought him in this life. You were this courageous mother. He did he suicide? I’m sorry, Was he, was this in your house? Was this asphyxiation?

2 (10m 51s):
Yes.

1 (10m 51s):
Okay. He’s sorry. Cuz you found him. Was this correct?

2 (10m 56s):
My husband did.

1 (10m 57s):
Your husband. Okay. He is saying I am so sorry mom, that you had no idea that this is the direction I was going. That you knew he was struggling but you didn’t know to this degree.

2 (11m 10s):
No.

1 (11m 11s):
He says you didn’t know. Cuz I didn’t tell you You didn’t know because I didn’t allow you in there that you would’ve done anything possible to keep him here. You would’ve changed schools. You would’ve homeschooled him. She says, he says that you would’ve walked in as a warrior mom and taken down all those other people.

2 (11m 34s):
I would’ve, Hayden was 13 in 2017 when he took his own life. He had been struggling. You know, adolescence is hard. I had a hard time and he was struggling. But he was such a bright light. He was, That’s what we got told all the time. Such a bright light. He was a champion for the underdog. He was caring and thoughtful. He was hilarious. Hilarious. I don’t know where the stories came from. They people believed him all the time. He was always writing stories and drawing.

2 (12m 16s):
He illustrated and Yeah. I’ve got that’s of treasure notebooks and notebooks of drawings and, and stories.

1 (12m 24s):
And I’m getting here that the school system was notified of the problems.

2 (12m 30s):
Yeah, I was, They I was loud. Yeah. I was there.

1 (12m 34s):
They, he says they didn’t really do anything.

2 (12m 37s):
They, it, it was, it was a struggle. Everything was a struggle.

1 (12m 42s):
It’s almost like they were afraid to talk to the parents of these children that were bullies.

2 (12m 49s):
Yeah. And I didn’t even realize, I knew of a couple of, I didn’t realize the bullying was as big as it was. That wasn’t why I was there.

1 (12m 59s):
Okay. He just feels like he did not tell you. So you did not know. Which means there’s not a lot you could’ve done. So he wants you to know that because if you would’ve known, he says you would’ve been the kick ass mom that would’ve gone out there and did what you needed to do.

2 (13m 20s):
Okay.

1 (13m 21s):
He knows he won’t be forgotten. And he says, Where is that big tattoo?

2 (13m 27s):
Big tattoo. So I have a a I have a butterfly on my back.

1 (13m 33s):
He’s like, ah, no Mom, I I need you to go bigger.

2 (13m 38s):
Oh. He’s

1 (13m 39s):
Like, go bigger or go home.

2 (13m 41s):
Okay.

1 (13m 42s):
Okay. Caden is also, I I feel like there needs to be a law change in order to support Caden what happened to him.

2 (13m 55s):
Yes.

1 (13m 56s):
And he says it, and this is kind of odd, but he says, If I would’ve been alive during Covid, it would’ve been easier for me to go to school.

2 (14m 8s):
Yes.

1 (14m 10s):
And he says, for kids that are bullied, people don’t realize that that would’ve been an easier thing.

2 (14m 18s):
Yes.

1 (14m 18s):
He says that you have many things of his that you go through. You still go and through his things.

2 (14m 25s):
I have. I have. Yeah. Well, he’s just everywhere. We keep him everywhere. Yeah.

1 (14m 30s):
And he’s okay with that. He goes, I think as Shrine is really part of it. He goes, He’s okay with that. And he’s like, I feel like even though he was not to his full height at that time, he was also someone to be reckoned with. Like I feel like smart.

2 (14m 51s):
Yes.

1 (14m 52s):
And I feel like sometimes he didn’t play smart because he was worried about that as well. Yeah. Being judged about that. What’s the connection to playing chess?

2 (15m 5s):
He just learned how, I don’t even know how he learned how he taught himself through a computer game. Yeah.

1 (15m 12s):
Yeah. I just feel like he just, he could pick something up, learn it, and just go for it. He is okay, but you want him here. Of course. And he feels as if he came into your life for many reasons. He just said that he left your life too early.

2 (15m 31s):
He me too.

1 (15m 34s):
He goes, People don’t get it. Like people, if you talk about him, they don’t get it. That don’t understand.

2 (15m 42s):
I feel like my future was stolen.

1 (15m 46s):
What do you wanna ask Kaden?

2 (15m 48s):
I wanna know if he sends me images,

1 (15m 56s):
The first thing I laugh about is like, who do you think you’re talking to? Mom?

2 (16m 2s):
Are the

1 (16m 3s):
Images things that make you feel good like a story?

2 (16m 8s):
Yeah, it’ll be different things. Like I’ll just get a, a flash of, of a hug where I can almost feel it or absolutely hears laugh.

1 (16m 18s):
Absolutely. So a medium like myself is here to tell you it’s possible. But they really wanna talk only to you. And he says he’s Do you get pedicures?

2 (16m 31s):
I get my nails done. Yeah. Are

1 (16m 33s):
You, you’re a nail. What?

2 (16m 35s):
I get my nails done, but I not pedicures.

1 (16m 38s):
Cause he says

2 (16m 39s):
He’s there, which is new for me.

1 (16m 41s):
Okay. He’s like, go get your nails. Like go get a pedicure. Go take care of yourself. And with the nails, he feels like he’s there because you can’t move

2 (16m 52s):
Like

1 (16m 53s):
You have to sit still.

2 (16m 57s):
Yeah.

1 (16m 57s):
Okay.

2 (16m 58s):
Okay.

1 (16m 59s):
Are you in his room?

2 (17m 2s):
I am in a room. It’s not his room. But he was here when he passed? Yes.

1 (17m 10s):
Okay. Because he feels like he’s amazed that you’re still there and that no matter where you go, he will follow you.

2 (17m 19s):
Yeah.

1 (17m 20s):
Is there a connection to Hawaii for you?

2 (17m 24s):
Just the beach in general. I’ve been trying to get a beach in my life for a while now. Okay.

1 (17m 29s):
I, I think that too is a connection for you guys. He says you’re highly intuitive. Don’t be scared of it, Mom.

2 (17m 38s):
Thank you.

1 (17m 39s):
What do you do Sarah?

2 (17m 43s):
I am a, right now I’m a surgery scheduler. I run a surgery scheduling office by trade. But I’ve been developing my reiki skills and trying to tap into Claire’s and

1 (17m 55s):
Okay. Take some of my classes. So you obviously are a healer and he will be there to help you. Doesn’t mean that I just like, you’re gonna pay attention differently to this. What he’s saying is you’re gonna pay attention differently because you know that there’s signs there, but you didn’t see them and you feel guilty for not seeing the signs. Yeah. He says you guys had a great relationship. He could have just told you, but he says that he kept it from you. But now when you look back, you see certain times that there was probably little ahas.

2 (18m 35s):
Yes.

1 (18m 36s):
And he just feels like, Mom, you can’t go back and it’s okay. Not mad at you.

2 (18m 45s):
Not that mad at him either. No,

1 (18m 48s):
He shouldn’t have done 13.

2 (18m 53s):
Nobody should.

1 (18m 56s):
I really appreciate you allowing me to be that person, to connect to the veil, to talk to your son, to bring him here. He is definitely a bright light. And you know, he’s, he reminds me that he could have been easily an actor because he knew how to play the role very, very well. He knew how to show up. And I really feel that he, he was in his own world many times.

2 (19m 25s):
Yes.

1 (19m 26s):
And he figured out how to live life in his own way no matter what was going on. And I don’t believe that he was this downer or this negative person. He always tried to be this positive person all the time. And so for him, this was sweat of left field for everybody. I even feel that people, his teachers and things were a little overwhelmed that this happened to him. I also feel like it was a wake up call for a lot of people in education to realize that they didn’t take this seriously.

2 (20m 4s):
Yes.

1 (20m 6s):
And I feel like a lot of people are gonna pay attention more because of Caden. Yeah. But Sarah, I wish he was here with you.

2 (20m 16s):
Thank you Deb. Deb mentioned right away that he was a bright light. And like I said, that was something we heard a lot about Caden. She said that, that Caden is a storyteller and that he created his own world and had an imagination that was unimaginable, which is, is true. Deb mentioned that he would be voting and the 2016 election was very important to him. He, He really took it hard and he couldn’t wait to vote. So he would’ve been 18 this year.

2 (20m 56s):
He would’ve been able to vote on things. I was surprised that Caden said, for me to go big with the tattoo. I’ve been wrestling. I do have a tattoo for him and I had it while he was alive, but I’ve given it a facelift since he’s passed. And I’ve been wrestling with lots of different ideas and deciding how big or small I wanted to go. So that was pretty surprising for him to bring that up today. I also, I guess, I don’t know if it falls under surprising, but it was welcome to hear, I often wonder about Caden affecting change in people’s lives.

2 (21m 37s):
And, and he acknowledged that, that there’s been some, some changes. And I, I’ve noticed too that there has been, they’ve kept me abreast of a couple of things in the school. And anyway, I just, I was happy to that he was acknowledging them. I feel absolutely 100% connected to my son today. I feel like she, Deb was able to pick up on things about his personality. He said things that I’ve been thinking to just kind of validate, you know, that, that it was him and we were talking to each other.

2 (22m 17s):
And That connection that you, you can, you can feel it. And, and he told me to trust my intuition. And, and that just tells me that I know when there, and knowing that he’s accessible to me now, you know that I can close my eyes and I can feel that little hug and, and I can hear that laugh. You know, you, you do, you just talk yourself out of it. These, these memories come flooding too. Or there’s a smell that hits you or you know, another, another little mom that sounds like his voice. You know, it’s there. And I feel like he’s always saying hi.

2 (22m 57s):
And I just, I need to be open to it.

1 (23m 1s):
And everyone, please remember, even though your loved ones are on the other side, they are still by your side. I am Deb. She, I look forward to seeing you next time on Grieving to Believing.

1 (23m 42s):
Thank you for listening to today’s episode. I hope it inspired you. If you enjoyed our conversation, make sure you subscribe so that you get notified of new episodes. And let’s get connected. Visit deb she.com for more insights, support workshops, and a book session with me. And finally, always remember your loved ones in spirit are just a thought away. Even though they’re on the other side, they’re always by your side.