Helping children grieve
Children's reactions about death may vary depending on their particular relationship with the individual who has passed. Children generally view events, including death, in terms of their effects on them. Thus, children may worry about an illness affecting their own family or themselves and may question if it is contagious and something they may contract.
In general, recent deaths are reminders of previous losses, so the more losses a person has had, the more painful a death is likely to be. Grieving children may also find themselves feeling very sad about another loss, such as the death of a grandparent or even a pet.
Children are concrete thinks and may want to know details of the death. This may be difficult for you to think about, let alone talk about. If your children ask questions that are too emotionally difficult to answer, say what you can, but be honest about your own feelings.
The following suggestions may help your children:
- Talk with your children about their feelings. Share your feelings, too.
- Talk about what happened. Give your children information they can understand.
- Reassure them that you are safe. You may need to repeat this reassurance often.
- Hold and touch your children often.
- Spend extra time with them at bedtime.
- Allow children to mourn or grieve.
If you feel your child is having more than normal difficulty with his/her grief, then it is recommend that you find help from a professional counselor who specializes in griefwork. It just as important that children receive counseling about death. Reassuring them that their feelings are normal will help them grow to be stronger adults.
Healing grief
- Share your feelings with anyone you can find to be supportive.
- Accept you will feel like a "roller coaster" for some time, at least six months and probably more like eighteen months.
- Be very gentle with yourself.
- TALK to your loved one even though some may suggest this is "crazy".
- DON'T exclude but include your loved one in your life.
- Seek physical and emotional guidance from a health/mental health practitioner if you feel this is needed.
- Ignore the "odd" things some will say to you to try to be of help.
- Go to church/synagogue/temple if this fits for you. Don't go if it does not fit for you.
- Expect all the "first" (birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, etc.) to feel overwhelming; "First" only happen once!
- You may not think grief will improve, but it does!
- Expect some anger and depression -- if it is overwhelming seek some help.
When do you need more support than friendship/family?
- When you alone feel the need to seek professional support
- Perhaps when a friend or family member suggest you need professional support
- When you simple cannot cope from day to day
- When you have emotional/physical symptoms that seem out of control
Generally what is the most abnormal about grief is perfectly normal. Grief that is normal:
- Feels like a roller coaster for at least 6 months -- typically for up to 18 months
- Includes experiencing any or all of the following:
- Feeling angry
- Feeling depressed and just plain out of sorts
- Wanting to talk a lot or not at all
- Feeling guilty
- Dreaming or daydreaming about your loved one
- Wanting to make many changes or make no changes at all in your life
- May seem as though you will never get better. BUT if you want to get better, face your feelings (all of them) and with good solid support you WILL get better!
